I was yours to hold
by LittleLionTamer
Summary: When you are being stuck in the stage from a child to a woman and fall in love with someone older, it feels like you are old enough to be with him, but he's in this elevated world...this world of adults, a secret club that you just can't seem to fit in.


**_Since ever I read about the content of the original script for the Voyage of the Dawn Treader I could not get out of my head how sorry I actually feel for Lucy. Well, I started to feel that way already in the movie. And it broke my heart D: To be honest, I know there are not many supporters of Lucy/Caspian but the fact that she had this major crush on him seemed only very logical to me. She's after all a young woman that start's to figure out what is happening to her and Caspian (let's not deny it) is a very handsome man. That made me come up with this little story out of her point of view, explaining the way she must feel watching him falling for everyone but her. I hope you enjoy it!_**

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**~ Chapter 1 ~ **

_It is unavoidable to grow in, but to grow up is an option._

Months on a ship together do things to you. With barely space to retreat at when you just can't take it any longer. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely glad and so, so thankful that Aslan brought us back here, although neither I nor my brother expected Eustace to be dragged along. Yet, the situation this time was different. I have changed, so did my brother. When somebody would ask me now what exactly it is that has happened, the simplest answer could be that "We grew up." And I now begin to realize how true and right Aslan's words were when he once told me that things never happened the same way twice.

I missed Narnia a lot after the fight for Caspian's throne, more than anyone else. And when Susan and Peter left us to start a life in America, we felt as if we've been thrown out of Paradise. Susan had a great start there and yes, I envied her a lot. I still do.. For all that I can never have. Her beauty, her grace, but these were things I got used to after a while. I have seen her growing up once already and when you are the youngest of your siblings you get used to be left behind in the shadows. Although it never truly affected me until now. The world I was born in turned upside down after the war and as a woman, you only could be truly successful when you owned the priority of gifts: Beauty. To find a man and to keep him in this shallow, shallow world. No matter how hard I tried to fight against it, this shallowness started to affect me. I started to glance in the mirror more often, I began to care about the clothes I wore and to brush my hair properly. As a man it was easier, a man could look handsome or not… all that truly was of importance was the amount of money he carried in his wallet.

Narnia has not changed like that, or at least I thought so.

But I have and it's beginning to feel sickening.

That's why the only thing I can do right now is to grab the silken sheet and pull it over the man-sized mirror, at least for now, because I just can't take the sight any longer.

How could I let it come so far? It probably started already the minute Caspian's arms wrapped around me to pull me out of the sea. At the first sight, I didn't even recognize him any longer. He has grown tall, masculine and immensely handsome and it got me wondering how much time actually has passed. The time difference from my world to Narnia seemed to change as it pleased and left me confused all the while. While nearly five years have passed for me and Edmund, merely three years did for Narnia. To see Caspian again filled me with a happiness that I couldn't explain and I blamed it on the fact that he just belonged as much to Narnia as the dryads, the centaurs and the sea people did. And he himself seemed immensely delighted to see us again. Us, I must say, had only been me and Edmund, and to everybody's pain, Eustace. Susan and Peter started to lose their belief in Narnia and their trust in Aslan, especially my sister, and would not see this world ever again.

We were the High King and Queen now. Me and Edmund. The very much drenched and dripping High King and Queen. We started to realize that as the whole crew bowed before us.

"Caspian", I started the minute he guided me to his chambers after introducing our arrival to his sailors. The rooms would be mine for the time on board, while he and Edmund shared the crew berthing area. "You mustn't. You are the King of Narnia and this is your bed. I will be fine sleeping in a hammock, you know." "My Lady, I must persist that you use my chambers instead of an uncomfortable hammock. I might have been brought up as a Telmarine, but my manners as a man can't allow a Lady sharing a room with 37 other men." When Caspian used his natural charm, I basically had no choice but to say yes, no matter how comfortable I felt in the beginning. I tried to take his generosity as a friendly matter but these were his chambers and his bed that he used to sleep in. Everything in this room was his and that he passed it by to me was like sharing a private secret. "You will find clothes to your liking in this wardrobe", he continued and patted the dark wood to show me which wardrobe he meant. Although there were only two of them in this room. "Is it silly for me to say that I brought clothes along in case for your arrival?" He almost looked ashamed now and it made me bite back a giggle. Oh, Caspian. You really missed us, didn't you? I left that part unspoken, of course, and just rewarded him with a smile that hopefully gave not away too much. "No, Caspian. It's immensely generous and I can't express how thankful I am. After five years, I nearly gave up the hope to come back here… "

Shortly after our conversation, Caspian left me some privacy to get changed out of the dripping wet clothes and to get changed himself. We would meet again once we all were ready… But I, I was never really ready for this.

For the way my heart jumped as soon as I realized that his belongings were my belongings now.

For the way the bed sheets carried his scent.

For the way the clothes carried his scent as well, and for the way I was covered in it now.

For the way it absolutely drugged my senses.

There was absolutely no way to be ready for what it did to me.

Even now I catch myself burying my nose into the fabric of his clothes, when I am alone and nobody watches, opening the wardrobe only to intoxicate myself with the alluring scent of his.

Dressed finally, for the first time in Narnia in trousers and a shirt, and out of the uncomfortable wetness of my clothes, I made my way back on deck. It filled me with warmth to see how the humans and the Narnians worked together. Minotaur and Man, Mouse and King. A sight I thought I never would see in my life again and it made me smile. I have missed Reepicheep a lot and it amused me to see how the noble mouse used my cousin as a perfect victim to challenge. Besides their little rivalry, everything and everyone on this ship acted together in peace and unison and it was easy to see that Caspian played his role as King of Narnia amazingly well. Neither Edmund nor I doubted that he held the country together wherever he could and he only confirmed us as he guided my brother and me to a room that Caspian personally calls his "Treasure box". Where Edmund probably expected tons and tons of gold and treasury we found everything that looked painfully familiar. The room and it's content left me speechless with awe and an overwhelming longing like I never felt it before. "After you left, I kept all of your belongings in my castle to honour the Kings and Queens of old." Caspian now carried a box that he opened with a gentle smile that covered his lips, revealing the vial with my healing elixir. "May I?" Reaching out my hand, I was not sure if it was really mine to take but Caspian only chuckled. "Of course, Queen Lucy, it is yours." I grasped the vial, the red liquid inside shimmering in the light of the sunbeams that shone through the small windows. It felt so familiar in my hands and it pleased me to see that the vial still was nearly filled with the elixir. I didn't have to use it often at all.

There were three other items of our old belongings that literally shot into my eyes when my eyes roamed through the room. It was my sister's bow along with her quiver and horn and all of them have been placed in the middle of the wooden wall. While Caspian showed Edmund around, I stepped closer to the wall where he honoured my sister and a mix of very different emotions nearly hit me straight in the face. Seeing her things, it made me miss her even more and left me feeling sad that she could not be on this adventure with us. Without Susan and Peter, it did not feel the same. It also reminded me of her way to lose her belief in Narnia, the way her voice sounded so cold when she laughed about us still talking about "A game that had been fun". At last it brought back the sight of Susan pressing her lips to Caspian's and while it had me not bothered at all back then, it sort of made my heart ache now. I never have been kissed yet although Susan was in the age I am in now. I doubt to be kissed at all when ever I glance into the mirror. If I was a man, I would not want to kiss me. My hands tightened around the vial and I felt Caspian approaching me soon after, his own eyes roaming over Susan's bow. Did he miss her much, now that he had us back?

It made me want to change the subject, so I cleared my throat and turned away from him, my eyes fixating on a map that had been rolled out on a massive looking desk. "How are you dealing as a King, Caspian?" Absently my fingers roamed over the fabric that pictured the map of Narnia, several spots pinned into it that used as destination marks for the Voyage. "The Narnians and the Humans live in peace side on side, Queen Lucy. I could not do it myself though. Lord Trumpkin and Reepicheep have been of great help for me when it came to the diplomatic tasks."

To hear Caspian titling my dear little friend as a Lord made me chuckle and I just could not help it. I remembered Trumpkin very well, his adorable grumpiness and all the sarcasm filled jokes. And now he helped the King with politics. On the other hand it filled me with pride because I knew that he could not have chosen himself a better right hand. Which immediately made me think of something…

"And have you found yourself a Queen yet?" The fact that I really asked this made me blush and I caught myself absently brushing my hair behind my ear, the way I have seen it the beautiful girl doing when she greeted her boyfriend at the train station. I didn't know what brought me to ask this, but wouldn't it be normal to be curious if you have been friends with him for such a while?

The smile he passed me by left me in wonder if he caught me blushing and if I didn't knew it any better I would have count his grin as a slightly smug one. "No", he replied to both Edmunds and my surprise. Caspian was a handsome King and you would only expect him to be married already. "I have met many women on my way. Beautiful women... but none of them could hold my interest the way your sister did."

Ah. That made sense, I thought and should have known it better. Turning my gaze away I hated the fact that I depended so much on this answer and even more that it hurt me. Not even telling myself that it was only normal he thought and felt that way, after all they had fancied each other, helped me reducing the sting that formed in my chest. Yes, he fancied her. Surely it wasn't to be count as more, at least not from my sister's side, for the minute we reached our world she never spoke of Caspian again. I felt sorry for him, but only because I knew him well and I liked him. Otherwise I would only think of him as yet another fool that had been falling head over heels over the Gentle Queen that had been rejecting man after man back in the Golden Age and not changed her ways at all in our world either.

Luckily the tension that literally filled this room busted as the Captain of the ship, Drinian, joined us in the room with a slightly amused expression on his face. "It is your cousin, your majesties." In fact, it was all we needed to hear to follow him outside on deck where the first thing we got to hear was Eustace's immensely girlish scream. "Eustace", Edmund groaned and I followed him into the middle of the people that have gathered. "WHAT IS THIS PLACE?" His shriek made me cringe and wanting to burst out in laughter at the same time. "It's Narnia." My reply brought everybody that watched this spectacular dramatic show of his, including Caspian, to laughter. But not as much as the Minotaur that continued my plain explanation with "Welcome on board of the Dawn Treader." Eustace was swept from his feet, literally, as he took in the image of the Minotaur and fainted. Me and Edmund could not help ourselves but roll our eyes. That could be quite some fun. What exactly did Aslan think when he dragged our cousin along?

"Was it something I said?"

Every member of the crew laughed and I knew I was back home.


End file.
